Wednesday, March 03, 2010
NEWSFLASH: OLD PEOPLE LESS CUTE
Lately I've been noticing that I have to work hard all the time, much more often than I did when I was young and single and got drunk every night. Is that fair? Also, I'm not as plucky and adorable as I was when I was younger, so that when I do get drunk, people don't giggle enthusiastically at the things I say. Instead they look uncomfortable and back away slowly. What am I supposed to do, forget the lyrics to Dr. Dre's "Ain't Nothin' But a G Thing" overnight? Pretend I don't still know the snake?
When my friendy Ken Layne announced that he was starting an advice column on true/slant, naturally I immediately asked him for some guidance regarding the extreme burden of taking care of small people and animals while simultaneously growing older and uglier and lamer, a burden one is expected to endure without getting fall-down drunk around the clock. He has helpfully offered some tips here, and you should go read it now, because he may just help you, too.
Now I have to write him another letter, because I need lots of help, particularly from people who don't mind using words to wrestle me to the ground and grind my face into the carpet.