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Tuesday, December 05, 2006


HUMAN BEING THERE

For those who have the proper production facilities but haven't test them out yet, I want to strongly recommend manufacturing brand new human beings for fun and profit.

Don't pay attention to the used human beings you see on the street, with their scowling faces and bad shoes. The human beings you manufacture won't be anything like that; when they're brand new, they're much smaller and they have big glassy eyes and tiny hands and they wear pajamas with feet. They don't have bad breath or drive badly or talk loudly into their cell phones about how crappy their health insurance plans are.

You'll also want to ignore the other people you know who are in the human manufacturing business. They'll tell you the business is really taxing, but, like overenthusiastic publicists, they'll seem a little too excited about their product. You'll look at their shiny new human and think, "Sure, it's small and it has eyes, but who cares? What can it do? And why do they talk to it like that, when it appears to have the brain power of an acorn squash?"

Manufacturing humans is much more rewarding than it looks from the outside, and as a bonus, you'll also start producing enough milk to feed a small African nation. I'm telling you, nothing will give you quite the same sense of accomplishment as creating food out of thin air. Yes, at times you feel like a heiffer, but isn't that a small price to pay for being able to put a bottle of milk in the fridge without ever going to the store?

Making food is almost as fulfilling as making humans.

You know how your parents always ask you when you're going to start manufacturing humans when it's clear you don't have the investment capital and your production facilities aren't remotely close to being well staffed enough for such an endeavor? Well, they want to urge you to manufacture a human at any cost, and to do it quickly, because manufacturing a human was one of the best things they ever did, even though they are, admittedly, a little bit disappointed in how their human turned out. Yes, eventually, everyone's humans become scowly and old and bark into their cell phones and wear bad shoes, but it doesn't matter, because when their parents look at them, all they see is pajamas with feet.

12:41 PM



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staff writer at salon.com, co-creator of filler, author of the memoir disaster preparedness due from riverhead press in fall 2010


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