Wednesday, February 09, 2005
NAME THIS BABY PANDA!
Squiggy Fartknockstein. Slumpy McDumpster. Sulky McNuckletts. Doreen Dimweasel. Snuffles Von Skipple. Chuckles McNaughty. I wish it were my job to name clowns. Dirty clowns. Scamper Delishnuts. Scrumpy Nipnang. Sammy Snorkleballs. Champ Master Taintlishy. Chortles McJizzner. Donnie Dingleberry. Scrumpler Guffawsky.
There's a cinematographer with the name Poon Hang Sang. Do his friends call him The Poon Tangler? Poon Tang Hang?
Then there are those idiotic names that still work because they're always on your mind. There was once a used bookstore in Durham, NC called "Books Do Furnish A Room." I can't remember if it still exists or not, but whenever I think about moving my books around, I think, "Books really do furnish a room." That makes me feel dirty, to even think of books furnishing a room.
There was also a women's health club in Durham called "Living-Well Lady." That name always made me picture a certain variety of single, bland-but-chirpy, 30-something nowhere-woman in pink bicycle pants on a treadmill. She had a perm, and her hair was definitely in a scrunchie, or maybe in one of those massive plastic clips shaped like a butterfly. Ooof, butterflies. Fish earrings! Colorful, zany hats! Shit with kitty-cats on it! Little pictures of rainbows and rabbits in the bathroom that say stuff like "Hop on in to celebrate!" Cheerful purple Saran Wrap in the fridge! Healthy plants everywhere, and she knows the names of each one! Wind chimes, of course. And mobiles, for Christsakes! Mobiles!
Poor Living-Well Lady. She thinks living well means eating Budget Gourmet (Lite!) meals while watching "Jeopardy!" every night. She's living well, after all, and she's a lady.
Ladies are fucking gross! And Living-Well Lady is directly opposed to each and every principal that the childless whore stands for: Creme-filled doughnuts. Big piles of magazines with articles about stupid trends in them. Overpriced bottles of wine. Dustbunnies. Fiction. Living-well lady doesn't read fiction, she reads magazines with people doing Yoga on the front. She reads autobiographies, sometimes, which she describes as "fascinating," but she can't tell you why they're fascinating. Living-Well Lady believes, in her heart, that books really do furnish a room.
I'd like to sic Chortles McJizzner the dirty clown on Living-Well Lady.