Thursday, June 26, 2003
WHAT THE HELL?
I feel like I just got home and everything in my house is rearranged. What happened to Blogger?
Monday, June 16, 2003
Deadlines looming, mid-glooming, but more soon. In the meantime, maybe you should read Tony Pierce's blog. It's a little tough to follow today, but I like that about it.
Thursday, June 12, 2003
GLOOMSDAYS OF HEAVEN
This June Gloom is excessive. It's the summer, for christsakes, but it could be any time of year at all. I have to say, the green trees and wet breezes of North Carolina seem like heaven right now.
While we're on the subject of heaven, I'd like to take this opportunity to strongly recommend "The Thin Red Line." It's odd to me how few people have seen this film given how tremendously good it is. What's wrong with people anyway? Is it all those genetically engineered mutant vegetables they eat, or is it the way Mommy looked at them funny when they talked about testing God to see if He really is All Powerful? Was it the fact that they were only 7 at the time and Mommy didn't know what omnipotent meant? Or is it the cheese sticks at TGIF's, or the antibacterial soap they bathe in every five minutes?
Not that I'm any better than people. A few weeks ago, I drove about 20 minutes to get to an El Torito, then spent $30 on one of those margaritas the size of your head, some kind of absurd, glorified combination taco platter, and that fresh guacamole they make at your table. I sat there and got drunk and full on guacamole, reading some book and then just pretending to read while eavesdropping on the family next to me. The daughter was on a major diet and the mother kept telling her she looked great. The daughter had a voice like Betty Boop - more like Melanie Griffith, actually - but she looked sort of heavy-set and normal. Her life seemed a little sad, but other people's lives often do, from the outside looking in. Her father asked her when she might be thinking about having a kid or two. I felt like leaning in and grabbing his collar and saying, "Get off her case, buddy, can't you see she's working on whittling down that massive can of hers first, then she'll look for the guy? Jesus, can't a girl get a moment of peace? She passed on the corn tortillas, for fuck's sake. Isn't ANYTHING GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU?"
My parents didn't fuck with me too much, so no, I'm not projecting. The point is, I'm no better than people. Anyone willing to drive almost half an hour to get to a chain restaurant clearly has no shame. But it was worth it.
Wednesday, June 11, 2003
I'm giving myself an hour to finish this piece. Otherwise, it could linger on forever, like a memory or a pretty girl - more like a bad memory or a pretty girl who slept with your best friend. I like this thing just fine so far, but it needs a little kick in its step. If it doesn't make you grit your teeth a little, what's it worth? Amuse, provoke, disturb, entertain. Get a laugh by knocking over the apple cart. A trip through the park, a kick in the can. Assume too much about your reader. Put words in their mouths, then commiserate. Confide, then move on to your next guest.
No, I don't believe any of this. So kind of you to ask, though!
Sometimes I wish I had more pretension within my grasp. After all, pretension and courage of conviction are almost indistinguishable. It can't be good to constantly undercut your own initiatives. Better to preen and parade around like a fucking jackass than to craft a shiny protective shell of irreproachability via word games. What a waste, to be beyond reproach, but only through clever turns of phrase and rhetorical disguises. Better to be utterly vulnerable. Thrown to the wolves, but still unconcerned.
Hey, that's pretty pretentious right there! A promising start.
Sunday, June 08, 2003
Your husband is having an affair with Nicole Kidman, and The London Free Press is predicting that you'll attempt suicide. Sounds fun, huh?
Is Nicole paybacking it forward? Did Penelope burp cutely on her TV screen one evening, sending her over the edge and into the arms of another pretty boy? With the current oversaturated state of celebrity culture, the only thing that's still interesting about stars is their suffering.
Friday, June 06, 2003
My space bar is sticking and it's driving me insane. Has anyone else had this problem with Titanium Powerbook G4 before? Anyone know what the solution is? Maybe the little plastic springs are worn out, and I can get them replaced? Help me.
I can see clearly now, the rain is gone. I can see all the obstacles in my way. The first obstacle in my way is a dead battery in my car. The second obstacle in my way is a space bar that keeps sticking so that everyother word comes out likethis. On some days, I might take a very conservative, practical approach to such problems, but today I feel like throwing money, the great elixir, at these problems, even though I'm basically scraping by thanks to expensive mole removals (atypical mole, not a melanoma, by the way).
(Do I need to mention again that melanomas are frightening things that kill you quickly and efficiently? I had no idea that skin cancer could kill you quickly with few warning signs, personally. I can't believe doctors don't encourage patients to get their moles examined every 6 months, to look for changes - when my doctor mentioned it a year ago it was the first time I'd ever heard of such a thing.)
Oh Jesus, a month off and she's going on about her goddamn moles again. You're going to have to cut me some slack, it might take me a few days to get my blog legs back.
Anyway, fuck moles, let's talk about throwing money at our problems, shall we? Is it not the Great American Way to hurl cash at everything from major emotional road blocks to minor inconveniences? Right now I don't just want AAA to come and start my car, I want to pay someone to call AAA and deal with the whole mess. Fuck that, I want a new car. Just tow that old one away - I know it just needs a good jumpstart but, how long have I had that thing? 11 years? Don't I deserve a new car by now?
Please note I'm employing one of the most time-tested tricks of the buy-away-your-blues trade, the "I deserve it" trick. Even your therapist will back you up on this one, mostly because he falls into the category of "Expensive Things That I Deserve." It's all relative. Sure, I feel justified in getting a new computer every two years, because I spend so much goddamn time with the thing. Other people spend too much money on other stuff, like clothes and cars, while I arrive sans style everywhere I go, outdated from head to toe in a dusty, dented car. Yeah, and some people eat grass for dinner.